"Assessing the legitimacy of an apology through the phrase 'I'm Sorry You Feel That Way'?"
In the realm of apologies, a common phrase that often surfaces is "I'm sorry you feel that way." However, this seemingly harmless expression has been the subject of much debate due to its potential to contribute to gaslighting.
Two seasoned Clinical Psychologists, William Gardner, Psy.D, based in San Francisco, and Lena Dicken, Psy.D, based in Santa Monica, California, share their insights on this matter. With over a decade of experience each, they offer valuable perspectives on the art of apologizing and the pitfalls of non-apologies.
The Issue with "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way"
According to Gardner, "I'm sorry you feel that way" is often criticized as a non-apology because it can come off as dismissive and passive-aggressive. This phrase, he believes, fails to take responsibility for the impact of one's actions.
Dicken adds that this expression can potentially be a form of gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation that causes a victim to question their own perceptions, thoughts, or feelings. By using "I'm sorry you feel that way," the apologizer subtly shifts responsibility away from themselves, implying the problem lies with the victim's feelings rather than their actions.
The Impact of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a serious issue that involves a pattern of denying the victim's experience or reality, leading the victim to doubt their own sanity or feelings. According to Britannica (2025), gaslighting can have long-term emotional consequences, including anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.
The Importance of Effective Apologies
In contrast, a heartfelt apology like "It was not at all my intention to hurt you, and I'm sorry that it did" is more effective. This approach, as emphasized by Mary Church, Ph.D, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Honolulu, Hawaii, involves communication, taking accountability, and expressing remorse.
Church encourages leading with empathy and allowing the other person time to process their emotions. Responding to an apology should involve using "I" statements, asking the person to acknowledge what they did, and setting boundaries moving forward.
The Origins of "I'm Sorry You Feel That Way"
Some believe that the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way" originated in corporate America, where the fear of liability and legal consequences replaced the need to take accountability. However, whether it qualifies as true gaslighting depends on the intent, frequency, and overall relational dynamics.
Conclusion
While "I'm sorry you feel that way" is often criticized as a non-apology that can contribute to gaslighting by invalidating feelings, gaslighting itself is a specific, intentional, and usually prolonged form of psychological manipulation. It's crucial to approach apologies with empathy, accountability, and sincerity to foster healthier relationships.
This article has been co-authored by Bertha Isabel Crombet, PhD, who earned her MFA in Creative Writing from Florida International University in 2018 and her PhD in the same field with a minor in Latinx Studies from Florida State University in 2024.
References:
- Britannica. (2025). Gaslighting. [online] Available at: https://www.britannica.com/topic/gaslighting
- Cleveland Clinic. (2025). Gaslighting: How to recognise it and what to do. [online] Available at: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/gaslighting
- Merriam-Webster. (2025). Gaslighting. [online] Available at: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting
- Upworthy. (2025). Assessment helps identify gaslighting, ex1. [online] Available at: https://www.upworthy.com/assessment-helps-identify-gaslighting-ex1
- To promote mental health and emotional wellness, it's important to avoid using the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way" in apologies, as it can be perceived as dismissive, passive-aggressive, and potentially a form of gaslighting.
- Effective apologies, such as "It was not at all my intention to hurt you, and I'm sorry that it did," involve empathy, accountability, and sincerity, which can help improve relationships and mental health.
- Understanding the origins of gaslighting and recognizing its impact on relationships, health-and-wellness, and lifestyle is crucial, as it can lead to long-term emotional consequences like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
