Addressing the "Mental Load" in Families: Insights From Involved Fathers
Experiencing the Psychological Struggles That Come With Fatherly Responsibilities and Their Lessons
In modern families, the conventional division of child-rearing responsibilities is gradually shifting. As more fathers take extended periods of parental leave, the mental burden that traditionally rests heavily on mothers finds relief, albeit somewhat incomplete.
Family coach Mihaly Szöcs leads a bi-weekly fathers' group in Cologne, offering a space for dads to discuss the emotional stress that comes with taking parental leave. Many of these men question the workload their partners have shouldered for months or even years, as they tackle the challenges of fatherhood independently.
During networked gatherings, fathers express concerns about the tasks their partners continue to handle, even while they are on leave. Szöcs attests that these meetings serve as a haven for fatherly camaraderie, a rarity in spaces where they are often the only man in the midst of mothers. "At my fathers' meeting, they are then very relaxed. They have their own unique way of exchanging, not in a macho manner, but rather in a relaxed male setting. And I believe this elevates their sense of well-being," Szöcs claims.
Reality suggests that approximately one-third of fathers take parental leave. However, according to a study by the Federal Institute for Population Research in 2022, these men take only around two months off, often simultaneously with mothers. An extension of state payments from 12 to 14 months is likely responsible for this trend. Fewer than one in ten fathers opt for an extended leave, rarely shouldering sole responsibility during the time devoted to parenting.
Even during their short leaves, these tasks pose no career setbacks. According to a Bertelsmann study on parental leave, this two-month leave makes little difference in interrupting mothers' careers, while colleagues and superiors perceive it as an extended vacation for fathers.
The concept of "mental load" refers to the cumulative tasks residing on an unseen to-do list within one's mind. Shopping, laundry, booking doctor's appointments, purchasing gifts, planning weekends, and handling visits—the constant demand generates stress, a burden that traditionally weighs more heavily on mothers.
Research conducted by the University of Bath and Melbourne in December 2024 reveals that mothers shoulder approximately 71% of the mental tasks at home, while fathers contribute a mere 45%. Szöcs offers an example to illuminate a simple but fundamental difference between mothers and fathers: "Mothers are exceptionally efficient at packing a diaper bag, leaving little room for error. Fathers, after much practice, may reach the same standard." However, he acknowledges that fathers' detachment from stress is unlike that experienced by mothers—even when they aren't physically present.
This discrepancy often results in partnership friction. Szöcs emphasizes that open communication is crucial to resolving such conflicts. While achieving consensus isn't the ultimate goal, developing tolerance becomes essential, he believes. To facilitate this, he suggests maintaining a running list of recurring tasks to ensure mutual awareness of responsibilities.
Despite continuous headway, practical hurdles, traditional gender roles, rigid work environments, and financial constraints remain obstacles for long-term parental leave among men. The Federal Ministry for Family, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth highlights these concerns in a paper on family-conscious personnel policy, advocating for greater employer flexibility, gender equality in the workplace, and eliminating financial obstacles to longer parental leaves.
Austria's former SPÖ politician Michael Lindner, who resigned from all political offices to take full-time care of his sons, offers a potent example for men seeking to assume more paternal roles. His decision underscores the urgency for a shift in societal perceptions regarding fathers, which Szöcs encourages by emphasizing that fathers are indeed role models.
Embracing these changes results in quantifiable benefits. A 2018 study by the RWI Leibniz Institute found that fathers who take parental leave spend approximately 90 minutes more with their children on weekends during the early years of their kids' lives. Spending quality time with children during critical formative periods strengthens the father-child bond for the long term.
Szöcs concludes that, in today's complex society, the mental load can lead to an overwhelming sense of responsibility, causing diminished enjoyment of family life. To counteract this, it's essential to create space for relaxation and leisure time. "There are a thousand things that can contribute to a mental load burnout," warns Szöcs. "Ultimately, one should remember to stop and smell the roses, to enjoy spending carefree time with family."
- The employment policy could be revised to include provisions for extended parental leave, which might help alleviate the mental load that parents, particularly mothers, often shoulder.
- Introducing workplace-wellness programs focused on mental-health awareness and parenting support could benefit employees, promoting a healthier and more balanced lifestyle.
- As part of a community policy, it's essential to encourage open discussions about mental health and the mental load, fostering a supportive environment within relationships.
- To reinforce the significance of fatherly involvement, the science community could conduct studies on the long-term effects of fathers taking extended parental leave, with a particular focus on the father-child bond and mental health.
