If I were to abandon my job, sell off my stake in the company, and pursue a career as a ski patroller, would I be the asshole, leaving my 18 and 22-year-old children without financial support to attend college, and also my ex-wife in a bind?

If I were to abandon my job, sell off my stake in the company, and pursue a career as a ski patroller, would I be the asshole, leaving my 18 and 22-year-old children without financial support to attend college, and also my ex-wife in a bind?

Divorces can get messy, especially when financial betrayals and family dysfunction enter the picture. Our OP, a father of two, is currently embroiled in a bitter divorce with a wife known for her deceit, abuse, and irresponsible handling of finances. In a cruel turn of events, his ex-wife drained their children's college savings, leaving them without means to pursue higher education.

The children, instead of taking their mother to task, turned to OP in expectation of him replenishing the funds. Overwhelmed and unappreciated, our OP contemplates selling his business share, moving to another state, and cutting ties financially with his children. Is it fair for him to abandon his kids, or is he merely seeking his peace?

Quitting the Job, Selling the Business, and Vanishing?

The Expert Take:

Childhood experiences are formative, shaping us for the future. Dr. Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist, points out that "children from high-conflict or abusive households often struggle with independence and accountability, especially if they were conditioned to rely on a parent who acted as a safety net."

In OP's case, children might be emotionally unprepared to confront their mother, making it easier for them to seek financial help from their father. However, Dr. Laura Markham, an expert in family conflict resolution, cautions that "walking away entirely can permanently damage parent-child relationships. While boundaries are necessary, emotional support should remain intact."

OP must weigh his decision carefully. Cutting off his children financially means abandoning them emotionally-a choice he must be ready to live with.

Divorce Drama and Emotional Upheaval:

Beyond finances, this conflict reveals deep-rooted family issues and emotional trauma. OP's wife's deceit has already taken a toll on the family, and her actions have placed the children in a precarious position. Their hesitation to confront their mother might stem from emotional dependency, despite her betrayal.

OP finds himself weary, as his children ignored his warnings and now expect him to fix the problem. However, their inaction could be rooted in emotional conditioning rather than laziness. Abandoning them now may reinforce their sense of instability, potentially causing more harm than good, no matter how justified OP feels.

Professionals Chime In:

Dr. Terri Apter, a developmental psychologist, explains that "children of high-conflict divorces often suffer from emotional paralysis, making them unable to make mature decisions. They fear confrontation and would rather seek comfort in the familiar, even if it's harmful."

OP's children might be too afraid to confront their mother, conditioned to lean on him for answers. Additionally, Dave Ramsey, a financial expert, argues that "helping adult children financially isn't inherently wrong, but enabling financial irresponsibility can be damaging." If OP retreats, he should clarify that he is setting boundaries, rather than abandoning them.

Seeking Solutions:

1. Fostering Accountability: OP should discuss legal avenues with his children about facing their mother's actions. If they refuse, they must accept responsibility for their choices.
2. Balanced Support: Offering emotional support while withholding financial aid sets boundaries and preserves the parent-child relationship.
3. Healing Trauma: If their inaction stems from emotional wounds, therapy might help them find the path to independence.
4. Legal Action Against Ex-Wife: If OP has the means, consulting a lawyer about recouping the misused funds could benefit him as well as his children.
5. Self-Reflection: OP needs to examine his reasons for this decision, ensuring it comes from a place of personal peace, rather than frustration.
6. Despite the emotional strain, Dr. Joshua Coleman emphasizes that children from high-conflict households need to learn independence and accountability.
7. Dr. Laura Markham suggests that while setting boundaries is necessary, emotional support should remain a priority to avoid damaging parent-child relationships.
8. OP's children might be emotionally unprepared to confront their mother, having been conditioned to rely on him as a safety net, according to Dr. Terri Apter.
9. Dave Ramsey argues that financially helping adult children isn't inherently wrong, but enabling financial irresponsibility can be damaging.
10. To foster accountability, OP should discuss legal options with his children for facing their mother's actions.
11. If emotional trauma is causing the children's inaction, therapy could help them find the path to independence and heal their wounds.

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