Strategies for Rebalancing Anxious-Avoidant Romantic Links, along with Insights on When It's Time to Move On
Tired of the rollercoaster in your anxious-avoidant relationship? Let's dive in and figure things out!
Here's the deal: Relationships with insecure partners are tough due to their unpredictability. You might find yourself wondering, "How can I fix this relationship?" or "Should I cut and run?" If you feel like you're always chasing or being chased, it could be because of anxious or avoidant behaviors.
So, can anxious-avoidant relationships work? In a nutshell, they can - but it takes some effort. First things first, understand your attachment style. Maybe you've never thought about it, but your attachment style plays a big role in how you form and maintain relationships. So, take the quiz and find out!
Let's break it down: What's an anxious-avoidant relationship?
TIME FOR BASICS: Attachment theory is key here. This theory has four attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. These styles are formed as children and continue to influence us in our adult relationships, essentially setting the blueprint for how we give and receive love.
Now, consider this:
- Anxious adults struggle with feelings of unworthiness and a desperate need for approval and stability.
- Avoidant adults avoid commitment because they fear being smothered or over-controlled, and crave freedom and autonomy.
I like to call the anxious types "Open Hearts," the avoidant ones "Rolling Stones," and the disorganized ones "Spice of Lifers." Labels like "anxious" and "avoidant" can be judgmental, so I choose a more positive approach.
Open Hearts tryhard to impress their partners, are capable of tremendous generosity, and experience big emotional highs and lows, but push others away despite their best efforts.
Rolling Stones are dismissive-avoidant. They cut off from their emotions, making it hard for them to reach deep, loving, and reciprocal emotions. They may come off as selfish, but they see it as self-preservation.
Spice of Lifers are fearful-avoidant. They're suspicious and distrustful of others' emotions and their own ability to sustain a healthy relationship. They want connection, yet are terrified of it.
Okay, so how do anxious and avoidant partners attract each other?
Here's the kicker: anxious and avoidant individuals tend to pair up because they confirm each other's pre-existing beliefs about relationships. This is known as "confirmation bias," and it's bad news for relationships.
For instance, anxious types pair up with avoidant individuals because avoidant people behave in a dismissive way, meeting the anxious person's need for validation while confirming their belief in what a relationship should look like. Likewise, avoidant people attract anxious partners who make them feel smothered, meeting their need for autonomy.
It's not a case of "opposites attract" but rather "like-sees-like."
Open Hearts choose partners who don't give them what they want. They cling to them, never having to surrender or face rejection. They're stuck in a "validation trap."
Rolling Stones are truly anxious, if they didn't feel anxious, they wouldn't be avoidant. But they may not be fully aware of their anxiety, its causes, or how it developed.
Spice of Lifers are aware of their inner conflict, but they experience a lot of confusion around their emotions, struggling to control them. They've likely experienced trauma or experienced mixed signals growing up.
What does it feel like to date an anxious or avoidant partner?
Are you finding yourself in the same patterns, dating people who:
- Don't appreciate you and take your generosity for granted
- Show up with fireworks one day and disappear without explanation the next
- Treat you like an intimate partner but don't give physical intimacy
- Only seem interested in sex, but exclude you from other parts of their lives
- Avoid labeling the relationship and make you feel neurotic for needing it
- Behave in a needlessly secretive fashion
- Ignore you for weeks then text "miss you" at 2am
Or perhaps your partner is:
- Intrusive, monitoring every move you make
- Extremely demanding and never gives space
- Sensitive, taking everything personally and over-analyzing
- Negative and interpreting most situations as such
- Controlling and presses for too much too fast
- Disrespectful of your boundaries or a need for space
- Expects you to read their mind and blows up when you don't
- Hot one minute and cold the next
If you keep dating people with these qualities, you're likely stuck in an anxious-avoidant relationship cycle. I call it "the anxious-avoidant trap."
Can we fix this toxic relationship trap?
The anxious-avoidant trap can be broken, but it takes work. First, you need to understand how to communicate your needs without triggering your partner's emotional defenses. Communication is everything!
THIS WON'T BE EASY: It requires an overhaul of your sense of self and identity, but it's worth it. You deserve a healthier, happier relationship!
Take the quiz now to understand your attachment style and get started on your journey to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Bye for now!
Sources:
- Diamond, L. M., A. (2013). Adult Attachment and Romantic Relationships.
- Mikulincer, M., & S. Diamond. (2000). Do Adults Need Close Relationships for Personal Growth?
- Bosmans, C., Leigh, G. W. C., Gottman, J. M., & Stanley, S. M. (2013). Insights into the 5-Minute Speech: The Relative Importance of Passionate Love and Compassionate Love for Marital Quality.
- Roisman, G. I., & H. M. Srowfe. (2003). Security of attachment in adulthood: Implications for coping behavior, stress reactivity, and subjective well-being.
- Collins, N. L., M. D. Read, J. M. Isom, N. J. Allison, M. A. students. (2004). From the lab to the real world: Relationship dynamics in the transition to marriage.
- Understanding your attachment style can help you navigate anxious-avoidant relationships; perhaps you're an 'Open Heart', seeking validation, or a 'Rolling Stone', avoiding commitment due to fear of being smothered.
- Anxious-avoidant couples often attract each other, confirming each other's pre-existing beliefs about relationships, a phenomenon known as 'confirmation bias'.
- In an anxious-avoidant relationship, Open Hearts may find themselves in patterns with partners who don't appreciate them, while Rolling Stones might behave in a needlessly secretive fashion.
- To break the anxious-avoidant trap, communication is essential; learning to express your needs without triggering emotional defenses is crucial for a healthier relationship.
- The journey to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship involves an overhaul of your sense of self and identity, but it's worth the effort for improved mental health and overall well-being.
- Trauma, such as mixed signals growing up or experiencing emotional neglect, can contribute to an avoidant attachment style, causing one to fear intimacy and commitment.
- Art, play, and therapy can serve as therapeutic tools for personal growth and relationship healing, providing a safe space to explore emotions and develop trust.
- A secure attachment style, characterized by trust, communication, and emotional intimacy, leads to healthier, more connected relationships, fostering a positive lifestyle and mental health.
- Education-and-self-development resources can help improve attachment styles and relationships, offering insight into the connection between early childhood experiences and adult relationships.
- Seeking support from a therapist or support group focused on mental health, personal growth, and healthy relationships can facilitate healing and provide strategies for building stronger, more lasting connections.
